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Archive for the ‘Weekends Are For Kids’ Category

It was a game of hide-and-seek gone wrong. Though it started off okay.

Joshua was seeking. I was helping Andi hide. In s stroke of brilliance, I hid her behind the door in her room then moved the plush blue chair to a different corner than it usually sits. Joshua came in looking for her and was confused. He kept looking around the misplaced chair, so I explained to him after Andi revealed herself, “See Joshua? That chair was a distraction. I distracted you, so you wouldn’t find where her hiding place was.”

New word for Joshua – check (distraction).

Daddy looks like a genius – check.

Then it came time for Andi to seek the boys, so Joshua and I tore out across the house. I decided to hide in the pantry. Our pantry doesn’t have alot of room, however, and you actually have to step up into it. But we were playing hide and seek, so go big or go home, right?

Up I stepped.

Before I knew what was happening, Joshua had closed the door on me. Totally cramped at this point, pushed completely against a shelving unit. So cramped in fact that I couldn’t reach my arm down to get to the door knob.

And it was hot. Oh so hot.

But no problem, I thought. They would find me. And that’s when I heard it. My son’s voice urging her sister, “Andi, let’s play with the musical instruments.” And my heart started beating fast.

I spent the next 5 minutes yelling for someone to let me out. Of course, the sound was drowned out by the toy saxophone and beating drums in the living room. Finally I was able to wedge my arm down past my body and contort myself like freakin’ Houdini to open the knob. I fell out of the pantry, and Joshua came running in.

His response?

“Daddy, I distracted her! She forgot you were hiding!”

Indeed.

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Ever wonder what goes on upstairs after you put the kids to bed? I have. But we got a taste this week.

The thing is we live in an old house. Our bedroom is on the lower level; the kids sleep upstairs. But their rooms are directly over ours, so we can hear the pitter patter of little feet. And we often do. Usually we just let it go. Sometimes they’ll wake up early and go into each other’s rooms to wait until 7:00, the magic time when the morning officially begins at our house. But this week, something interesting happened.

It was about 6:45 when we heard the first steps upstairs. We figured it was Joshua, since on occasion when he wants to be very impressive, he’ll get up, kind of make his bed, and get dressed for the day. But about 20 minutes later, Andi is standing on the steps yelling, “I’m cold! I want a dress!” Without looking up the stairs, we yelled back, “It’s not 7:00. We’ll help you at 7. Go and get under your covers if you’re cold.”

So the minutes tick away.

Promptly at 7, Joshua comes bounding down the stairs to reveal what we suspected, that he had indeed dressed himself. After a few seconds, Andi followed him.

Naked.

Stark naked.

No wonder she was cold. I guess she can’t reach her clothes to be like her big brother quite yet.

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At Joshua’s pre-K class for the last few weeks, they’ve been doing a series about safety. After he’s come home, we’ve learned collectively about the dangers of smoke inhilation and the proper way to stop, drop, and roll from the day the fireman visited. This week, there was a police officer who came to share with them.

And he had a gun. At least that’s what Joshua said.

But I have gathered that the presentation wasn’t so much about the gun as it was about safety. In particular, the boy in blue talked about calling 9-1-1. In quizzing Joshua, I asked him when was the right time to call 9-1-1. After some debate, we settled on the fact that you called the number during times of emergency. So what are those emergencies? Here was Joshua’s list:

1. If a cat is stuck up a tree.

2. If there is a fire.

3. If there are bad guys around.

4. If you are in trouble.

5. If somebody gets killed.

Not a bad list to start with.

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Ever watched Man Vs. Wild? If you’re not familiar with the concept, this guy (whose name is Bear. no, really.) is dropped into these ridiculous environments where he has to survive. He eats raw fish and bugs, makes fires from nothing, and occasionally drinks his own urine.

I tried to watch an episode with Andi the other night because the ice princesses (aka, figure skaters) weren’t on. Bear found himself in the Louisiana swamps, neck deep in alligators. You can sort of follow the plot line of the show through her inquiries. Here’s a list of Andi’s questions as we watched the show:

Where’s his home?

Why’s he eating that fish?

Where’s his plate?

What’s him doing with that bug?

Is that a snake?

Why he so dirty?

Where’s his kids?

Where his mommy?

Where his mommy?

Why that fish biting him?

Why that alligator mad?

Where that alligator’s mommy?

Why he on that helicopter?

Where he going?

And that’s Man vs. Wild.

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Apparently kids can (and do) remember pretty much everything – even the stuff you might not want them to. I offer as proof of this hypothesis two separate conversations I had with my kids after the Superbowl and the advertising bonanza that it is.

CONVERSATION 1:

ME: Andi, please stop hitting me in the face.

ANDI: (Giggling, then continued smacking)

ME: Andi, I’ll ask you once more. Stop hitting me in the face, please.

ANDI: (More giggling. Then another smack)

ME: I’m not kidding, little girl. I’m not playing. I’m about to get mad.

ANDI: Daddy, don’t get mad – get glad!

CONVERSATION 2:

ME: Joshua, how do you spell yellow?

JOSHUA: y-e-l-l-o-w

ME: That’s great, buddy. How do you spell purple?

JOSHUA: p-u-r-p-l-e

ME: Awesome. You’re really smart.

JOSHUA: Not just smart, K-Mart smart.

Indeed.

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It seems that our new son, Christian, is creating a good deal of confusion in the house. Take last week, for example, when I was driving home from church with Joshua and Andi. An Abbott and Costello routine errupted in the back seat.

Joshua: We were at church with Christians.

Andi: Christian’s at home.

Joshua: No – all the Christians. Not Christian.

Andi: Christian’s a baby.

Joshua: Not Christian, CHRISTIANS! I’m a Christian.

Andi: You’re Joshua. And I’m Andi!

Joshua: We’re all Christians. You, me, and Daddy. (I chose a different time to try and reinforce the theological difficulties of Joshua’s statements at this point).

Andi (now starting to sob): I don’t want to be Christian. I’m a big girl. I’m Andi.

Joshua: ARRRRRGGHHH!

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Weekends are for kids, and we’ve got a new one.

Meet Christian Parker Kelley. Born this week on January 6th. Seven pounds, 6 ounces. Here he is with his beautiful mommy.

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